HaBL CHAPTER 13

He stared at the ceiling as the dim lighting from the streets shown through the windows, but didn't really notice. James was lost in thought of the events of that day…thought of the coffee date he had gone on with Morgan. It had been…fun. Nice. Years since he had even thought about going out without Aaron. Make it even less since he had gone out with a girl. But…what would Shelly think? That he was forgetting her? God…he didn't want that. That night, James dreamed of Shelly. In his dream, he was standing in front of their flat. As he walked through the familiar rooms, he began to call for Shelly.

"I'm in the garden, out on the porch." He heard her voice say through the open door. He ran out to see her. She was picking tomatoes, her blonde hair, pulled back into a messy bun, covered by a worn straw hat that she had. She looked just as he remembered her, forever frozen at twenty, the way she had looked when she had waved goodbye with their chubby little Aaron in her hand, saying she would be back in an hour or so.

"Come give me a hand," she said, turning to smile at James. James went, not sure what to say. He began picking the ripe tomatoes and piling them into the bowl Shelly had given him in an awkward silence. "So, tell me about her…this Morgan" She suggested as she continued tending to the tomato vine. He glanced at her and then swallowed, his hand freezing over another tomato, red as blood, large and smooth.

"She's not you," James finally said softly after a pause.

Shelly laughed as he looked at her, fighting back the growing burning sensation. James had always loved her laugh. "No, I'm the only me I know of." She said gently.

James felt tears well up in his eyes. "Shel, I miss you so much it hurts."

Shelly reached out and caressed his cheek. "I'm not gone," she said softly. "I still live with you." She moved her hand to James's heart. "Here," she whispered.

James nodded, his tears flowing freely, and buried his head in her shoulder and breathed in her scent. She hugged him and whispered words of comfort in his ear. When he had finished sobbing, he lifted his head and looked in her eyes. She stood on her tiptoes and lightly brushed her lips to his.

"I don't like to see you so sad," she said softly.

"I can't help it," James said, his voice thick with tears. "I still can remember the constable coming…I can still remember identifying your…you. I never wanted to see you like that."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I love you. I always have, and I always will."

"I love you, too," she said as she continued to caress his face, gently wiping all his tears away. Finally, when he had calmed, she put a finger on his forehead. "This wrinkle is new," she commented with a smile.

James laughed. "The disadvantage of getting older and raising a boy that is identical to me in personality and luck. You should see Aaron. He's so big! You wouldn't believe it. He's going to be taller than I am if he keeps growing at this rate."

"I've seen him," Shelly said. "I watch him sometimes. Tell him I'm proud of him."

"I will." He murmured.

"Now onto other business. You're still a young man. You've got lots of happiness ahead of you."

James nodded, not sure what to say.

"I still want you to tell me about her," Shelly said with a smile.

"I feel happy when I'm with her. I feel warm inside, like I used to feel with you. But then I feel guilty because I shouldn't be considering anyone else. You are the love of my life."

"Love is a funny thing," Shelly informed him. "The more of it you give away, the more of it you have to give away. You can love us both, and you'll still have plenty to spare."

"Are you telling me you want me to go out with her?" James asked.

"I'm telling you I want you to be happy. That's all I ever wanted for you. You are the most wonderful person I've ever known. If anyone deserves happiness, you do."

"Aaron won't like it."

"Aaron will love her because you love her. That's the kind of person he is."

James smiled.

"You're better than you give yourself credit for. A mother knows these things," Shelly said sagely, pulling James into an embrace. James buried his face in her hair again.

"I don't ever want to leave," James said, feeling his tears begin to fall afresh.

"We'll be together again," Shelly said, turning her face up to his. "You shouldn't rush. Life is short, and death is forever."

"Tell me I have your blessing."

"You have every blessing I could bestow upon you. My only hope for you is that she makes you happy. Otherwise, I might come back and haunt her."

James laughed. "Poor woman. She might not know what she's getting into."

Shelly said nothing and hugged James tightly.

"Tell me one more thing," James said softly. "Is this a dream or is it real?"

"It's a dream," Shelly told him, "but that doesn't mean it isn't real."

When James awoke, he sat alone in his bed and sobbed. And after holding on for so long…he finally let Shelly go.

---

"You have a motorcycle?"

"Yup. She's my baby."

Lily looked at the Triumph Bonneville T120 and gave the blue-haired man a quizzical look. "Are you sure Sirius Black isn't possessing you?"

"What? No!" He said scoffing. "Just because he and I have a common like in motorcycles-"

"And taste in leather jackets." Lily murmured.

"Doesn't mean he possesses me." Teddy continued as though she hadn't interrupted him. "Hey, stop laughing!" He ordered as she snorted, looking at Teddy with amusement.

"So? Want to go for a spin?"

She observed the machine as he mounted it, before nodding. "If you try to scare me, I am going to maim you."

That…that sounded almost like Lily, he realized. "I would never do that, Lily."

"Uh-huh." She said, apparently unconvinced. Still she climbed over the seat, wrapping her arms around his back. He grinned and then revved the engine.

"Don't you d-DDDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE!" She screamed as he gunned it and sped off onto the road. Her scream made him chuckle, trying desperately to ignore the butterflies growing in his stomach as she pressed herself against him. They finally reached the street and Lily withheld herself from smacking Teddy over the head.

"You're a git." She grumbled and he laughed, barely able to pick up the comment, but managing.

"Why thank you Ms. Potter." He said cheerfully. She blushed. It was still odd re-using her maiden name. She curled up to him, watching as the trees and cars around them blurred as they sped forward.

They continued for how long, she didn't know.

"Where are we going?" She called out.

"To a place I know!" He called out. And that was all he gave, continuing forward. They left the city grounds, and continued into the darkness. She looked up at the grassy knolls and the blurred lights of houses that passed by. Finally he rolled to a step next to a field, overgrown with long grass. She slid off, her legs still vibrating from the motor.

"What do you think?"

"About the place? Or the motorcycle?" She asked. He chuckled.

"Both if you're willing to answer." He replied. She offered a soft smile.

"The motorcycle was, though terrifying, actually quite fun."

"And the place?"

"….beautiful." She said softly looking around. He offered a bright grin, his hair turning to a bright turquoise. "But I am curious as to why you brought me all the way out here."

"To talk."

"About?"

"Lily…why didn't you tell any of us what was happening to you?"

She was silent, as though contemplating his question, sitting down at the edge of the road, her feet disappearing into the long brush. But there was no defense on her part. Nothing to suggest she wouldn't answer, so he continued.

"I can understand not telling me. I mean that argument we had right after you got married was enough reason to not tell me anything. But your parents…your brothers…heck your aunts, uncles, and cousins all would have taken your side." He implored. She was quiet.

"At first I was." She finally explained. "Going to tell my family." He looked at her.

"It had been nearly two months into the marriage when it first happened." She started. "We got into an argument about something stupid…whose turn it had been to go get groceries or something like that. It got heated and he just smacked me across the face. I nearly left. I had turned around, grabbed my wallet and wand and had started out of the house." She said. "But he stopped me, apologized over and over again, telling me he hadn't meant to do that, things had gotten to heated in the argument, he was stressed because of work. A load of other excuses I can't remember now."

He swallowed, but kept silent.

"I don't know, maybe I was just being stubborn, or maybe…just maybe I hoped that what he was saying was the truth, and he wouldn't ever really hurt me or hit me like that and mean it." She said, her voice barely a whisper. "He begged me…on his knees…to stay. And like a fool…I did." She continued, curling up, pressing her chin to her knees. "And gradually…it just got worse and worse. I should have noticed some of the signs, but I was trying to prove it to, I don't know, maybe everyone or maybe just me, that this marriage would work."

"He started becoming easier to aggravate. Especially when I got a job. Even telling him that the main male companion I worked with at my job was gay, didn't seem to sway him. I had to be the perfect wife…obey only him, pleasure him whenever he wanted to, he wouldn't let me leave the house unless I wore what he wanted to, and even then, something would set him off that I was egging men on. I just began to get so used to it…when he started hitting me…I came to the conclusion, that it just didn't matter." She continued. "I didn't matter."

"Lily…"

"I wasn't a person anymore…I was just something that belonged to him. I got it into my head that a lot of people, a lot of men were like that. That if I just laid there quietly, laid there without a protest until it was over, nothing would happen. I just had to play dead."

There was a long stretch of silence and she kept her eyes trained on the grass below.

"Is that why you didn't want to have kids with him."

"No…I still wanted to have kids. I just wasn't able to keep them."

"Huh?"

"I'm assuming my parents didn't say anything to anyone else." She remarked softly. "About year ago...I found out I was pregnant."

"Lily…"

"It doesn't really matter. I didn't find out that I was pregnant until I lost the baby. So that doesn't really matter any-"

She was in his arms in a matter of seconds.

"It does matter, Lily." He whispered fiercely. She blinked. "It matters so much. Because I know it bothered you." He continued and felt her stiffen. "Because that was one thing you always wanted to be and that was a mum. That's all you would make me play was house. And dance lessons. But being a mum was what you wanted to be too."

"Yeah…" She finally murmured, her vision suddenly growing blurry. She just kept repeating the phrase over and over again, her vision growing blurrier and blurrier, and finally it just broke through. All those years of hiding the emotion began to break and she began to cry silently.

She wanted to do so much more.

She wanted to scream, to cry, to hit, to do throw something. To throw a tantrum, like she had done when she was younger.

But she didn't do anything like that. Didn't do anything of the sort. Instead she just sat there, crying silently into Teddy's shoulder.

He felt his heart stutter when she curled into him. She, thankfully, didn't seem to notice. He withheld the groan. He was falling for her. But he couldn't. She didn't need a relationship right now. She was already hurt enough. At the same time he was telling himself that, his motions of holding her, brushing her wind-strewn hair back, kissing her temple in a comforting manner, contradicted the thoughts.

"You are falling for her, you moron. Get used to it."

Dammit, why did Harry have to be right?